I have sat back and watched the commotion of the last few days. I have seen the good and bad in people. I have listened as individuals tried to sway others toward and away from different perspectives.

Here is what I do know. My name is Jeff Halldorson, my wife’s name is Kelly Halldorson. These are our names, they are real and they are the ones that appears on our driver license, our mail. They are real as we are real people.

I know that Best Cookie is not someone’s given name and that person on the other end has a real name. It is yet just a name.

My name is Jeff Halldorson and I was sexual assaulted for many years by James Halldorson, prison inmate # 78719. I know he is there because Kelly and I put him there. For the next 20 to 40 years children have one less predator to worry about.

I wanted to write about the nasty emails and the lies that have been caught, the Kool aid being passed around like bad acid at a Dead show. I wanted to send out angry words and retaliations for the nasty things being said about my wife…

My wife… oh the one that let all the posts go through uncensored no matter how nasty. The one that did not remove the harshest of words on facebook, let all of you say that wanted and get their word in on that platform… I can not say that for the other half.

Yes even I often forget what it was like as she held my hand and carried me through the sentencing of my father… my sexual assaulter. It is often that I get absent minded and take for granted the woman that held me up when I was at my weakest.

I see the word that people have said with the intent to hurt and I know that they are misguided. Kelly is not one to self promote so I feel the need do it for her. To defend her if you will…

To those of you that do not know Kelly (her real name used here) she has been helping those with deep, sad stories of physical and sexual abuse for many years. When we wrote our book it was Kelly that took the high road when Harper Collins asked us to publish under a synonym. We agreed not to because I would be dishonest to the reader. We wouldn’t be accountable for what we wrote. It was Kelly that would not take the payday and run… I wish it had been me but it wasn’t.

It is my loving wife that has convinced me that in order to help we must do it willingly and without attachment, to this we have sent out countless E-books, even to some of you, at no cost so that we may share in our triumphs and failures, to heal together as a united survivor of a horrific crime perpetrated on us by the sick and evil. To allow others to see where I have failed and the affects that it has on the world around me. So that others may relate or learn. So as not put a monetary value on sharing and healing.

My wife is not jealous of anyone. Kelly gives, and gives, and gives to a point that it takes a toll on her. She doesn’t give to you. She gives to us, her family, to me her husband and her children. She gives herself completely to us and with no strings, it is often hard to except and sometimes intimidating to see a person so committed. I see in her what I want to achieve and why.

To the rest of you she shares, her words and the sights she sees. She shows a world through a camera filtered through the human heart. She shares the joys of life that is found when you are willing to clean it up after a fall in the mud.

Speaking of mud, now that you all have had a chance to throw some around you can throw it my way if you want. I have seen far worse that what you can throw.

Erin’s books enraged me. I do not apologize for that. I do not apologize for questioning her, her motives and her story. Believe me it was hard to come to my personal conclusions. I did not take the matter lightly. If in fact her story is true then a great injustice has been done and she needs to fire her editor and re-write the book. I don’t care if you want to compare it to my editor or not that is not what we are saying. Her books read TO ME like a confused mess and someone need to get the story straight.

I took the books to others and asked them to read them. I gave them to another survivor and asked for an unbiased opinion. I gave it to an education professional and asked for the same.

Just as I came to my opinions so did Kelly. They are OUR opinions. We want others to have their own opinions, to come to their own conclusions. To discuss it in an open, free dialoged.

Spend some time with us, with Kelly. Look through her pictures and read her words. Then you might know where her thought are when it comes to writing about Erin. To see the human behind the words may give you a different perspective. To understand that the word forgiveness is not a word used lightly. That an honest and true apology is not to be taken for granted.

Erin Merryn is not a real person. It is a name made up to hide the identity of girl that has had her world turned upside down. The fact that it is not her real name means a lot to me. It means that the consequences for the words are different. If you don’t believe that I will tell you from experience that it is. I cannot hide from my words I have no choice but to be responsible for them. Kelly taught me that.

The person behind the name Erin Merryn is another story. All the characters have different names and different outcomes. “Brian” is not “Brian” but someone else nameless to us, and from what we are told running around hurting others. Anyone of us or our children, our daughters or sisters could be hanging out with him and we wouldn’t even know he was the key to a book.

That is why we do not hide from who we are.

I am Jeff Halldorson, sexual assault survivor, man, husband, father, author and artist. My name defines me it is the last name of the man that assaulted me…

It is the last name of my wife Kelly Halldorson, Uncensored and she is my hero… throw your mud.

Okay. I started writing a blog entry this morning about sibling rivalry, because it seems to be a big deal around here the last couple of days. It’s mostly in the car on longer trips, like to the CNHT picnic and to my parents yesterday. But it was also about the seating arrangement in my parents car when we he headed to the beach. So, I started a blog entry about how we deal with it. What works, what doesn’t and when nothing works. I wrote a little then I went up to the greenhouse to see how Jeff was doing.

All was fine there. Jeff was doing a magnificent job building, as usual. I chatted with him. I got some water. I took a few photos. Then I went over to the raspberry bushes to pick some raspberries.

The rain the we’ve had the last two days did wonders for the crop. There were more raspberries than I think our whole family could eat in a week. I started picking and eating away. I called Jeff over to see. He picked for a little bit.

Zoe and Griffin rode their bikes over from the house and started picking along side us. We were talking about how many berries there were and Zoe commented she’d like a container. Jeff went and found her one then headed back over to work on the greenhouse.

After Zoe had about two inches of the container filled she announced she was going to fill up the container for Wolfgang. She wanted wasn’t going to eat any while she picked. She wanted to give him the 32 oz container of organic raspberries and say to him, These are ALL yours enjoy them. You don’t have to share any of them.

I hadn’t mentioned a thing about their fighting this morning but apparently Zoe and I had been thinking about the same thing. How to get keep everyone getting along. I told her I thought it was very thoughtful of her and offered to help her fill up the rest of the container.

She did it. She filled the container. We drove back to the house and she gave Wolfgang the raspberries. He woke up, hopefully, feeling loved and grateful. He smiled, ate some of the berries and bathed.

Despite our living situation, the no power, the no running water, the cramped quarters, the heat, all the negative crap it’s neat to see my kids recognize for themselves the real abundance that surrounds them. We have unlimited organic raspberries to eat whenever. We have each other.

Just as the rain strengthens the bush and gives birth to new, mouth watering, juicy, deep red, delicious raspberries our struggles strengthen our family and give birth to new days, new experiences, connections, love, understanding and happiness.

Peace,

Kelly

4. Choices

• unschooling: Children are free to make their own choices, so long as they are not hurting another individual.
• libertarian philosophy: Adults are free to make their own choices, as long as they are not infringing on another’s rights.

Peace,

Kelly

Photo by: Wolfgang Halldorson, Model: Zoe Halldorson

Just a quick rundown of our really cool day.

I wake up. Jeff heats up my water for my shower. Zoe and Griffin are up. I take the moths out of the freezer that I caught last night so I can take some photos outside. Both moths are still alive and well and I get some pretty good shots!

I look up info on one of them and find it’s a Tiger Moth and it starts as a woolly bear caterpillar. It’s too cool. Woolly Bear Caterpillars are my favorite and this Tiger Moth is too! While searching I find an awesome website: What’s That Bug?

The kids catch me a butterfly and another caterpillar. I get good shots of both. All before 10:00 am.

I bathe. The kids bathe. We bring Wolfgang and Zoe to a job. Zoe is mother’s helper and Wolfgang is doing some yard work. Jeff and I take Griffin to Portsmouth to get his tooth fixed. It’s early so we stop at Starbucks. Who stops in but Tom Bergeron. Griffin asks him if he minds getting a photo with him.

We go to get the tooth fixed. It doesn’t go as we’d been told so there was a bit of a bump there. Griffin needs a root canal so they started that. He has to go back in 6 weeks. He was supposed to get the tooth built up but since it was hurting him they wouldn’t do it but instead started a root canal. I’m a little grumpy about all that but…it will work out.

Stop at Walmart so Griffin can look around. On the way out there were some young, hungry travelers looking for food. We stop and take their picture and give them some water and five dollars.  That felt good.

We pick up Zoe and Wolfgang then went to go check out an old school bus for sale in Rochester. It was really cool and blue.

We go do the laundry in Dover. The kids ask if they can walk around with my camera. They come back with lots of pictures and video. My favorite is at the top of the page.

After we finish the laundry Jeff and I take a walk and the kids go walk around on their own and video/interview people about libertarianism. We end up at La Festa and meet up with the Liberty Meet-up group. We meet Chris Sununu (his father used to sign your money…don’t believe me go pull out an older bill) and get to ask him lots of questions about his run for Executive Council. Apparently his wife is a Libertarian…if only we could give him a little reason.

We leave La Festa and head home. I make scrambled eggs (local NOT factory farmed) for all while Jeff, Zoe and Griffin get water for tomorrow. Wolfgang takes care of the dogs and goes online. Zoe heads to bed early. I go in the room and work on the computer while Jeff snoozes next to me. Griffin builds things with his legos and Wolfgang is busy making music on his computer, still.

And as of conversations and learning today, some of the topics included…libertarianism, war, troops, peace, ideas for peace, girlfriends, relationships, moths, butterflies, stars, dancing with the stars, laughter, funny pictures, PJ O’Rourke, video interview questions, what makes a good web video, music, software, dogs, what kind of animals are around the house, how to get the water running faster, greenhouses, government, environmental programs, social programs, bodies of water, foreign policy, republican, democrat, governor’s council, elected offices, districts, distribution of powers, state vs. federal, drug war, drugs, troubled people, compassion, family, traveling, school buses, places to go, where to visit, when to leave, what to do on the road, life, purpose, goals, family, choices, reason, working, babysitting, mother’s helper, gardening, weeding, painting, inspiration, little kids, babies, breastfeeding, …and that is only one tiny tiny little piece of it.

Damn, I feel lucky.

Peace,

Kelly

Like many others we are struggling financially. Actually struggling doesn’t even begin to cut it.

Two years ago we were struggling but we had a nice Victorian home we rented. All the kids had there own room.  We had a nice vehicle, a Suburban without problems. We had lots of books and were walking distance to the public pool and downtown.

Today we have very little in the way of things. Very little. We live in a rundown trailer. We had to divide the back room into two separate rooms, one for the boys and one for Zoe. The rooms barely fit their beds. Most of our things got damaged in the move. Wolfgang quit playing hockey (for a team), in part, it was just too expensive.

About a week and a half ago, our electricity was shut off. That’s right, we have no power. We need way more money than we have to turn it back on. Part of what we owe is leftover from that Victorian we rented in Dover. I didn’t shut the electricity off to it when we left so what we owe includes a number of months we were not living there. It’s not something I’m upset about, at least not in the way of being resentful. I owe the money. We owe the money. And I don’t mind paying even for the time we weren’t living there because I feel we left abruptly and even wish we could do more for the landlord. They were great people we were caught just up with what was going on with us. I want to pay it.

We also have medical bills, student loans, even some tax stuff we have to sort out (although, I don’t believe we’ll end up owing anything there). We were weren’t/aren’t big on credit cards so it’s not like we have a lot of that kind of debt. It’s just life stuff. If we ever had something big to buy like a computer or whatever we’d just put the money aside and buy it outright. We didn’t do credit.

Neither Jeff or I have been working for a year and a half. Not working at a job, anyway. It’s not that we haven’t been working really. It’s that we have shifted completely the way we do things. Jeff used to go out and work and work and work at big construction jobs (which with the economy there really aren’t any now even if that’s what we wanted). He lived a life separate from us. And we lived a life separate from him. He was never home and my life with the kids had started to run parallel to his. It wasn’t good for any of us.

Today we focus on living a life that inspires us and our children. We focus on our life with the kids and our relationships with them and each other. We work toward reducing suffering through vegetarianism, we volunteer, we advocate for sexual assault victims (and have written a published a book all in the last year) and do our best to give positively to the world and the people around us. This has become our priority, our full-time job. What living this life entails is more work than anything we’ve done before, but with it comes more joy, love and connection.

We don’t take advantage of government programs like welfare, food stamps, public schools etc. because we feel it’s a violation of our core principles. We are not opposed to charity, in fact, we had a fundraiser to help publish our book and I just added a donate button to this very page.  It’s just if we are to take advantage of any generosity we want to know for sure it was freely given.

Presently our biggest efforts are finding ways to earn income to feed, house and clothe ourselves and our children in a way that is conducive to our family living.  But as with most new ventures there is a building period and in many ways it’s as though we are starting from scratch. I’m confident that our book, my photography, this blog, our Homeschool webshow and Jeff’s illustration work, our children’s book projects, my video work etc. will evolve to a point where we are not only financially stable but we have paid back all our debts and can give financially to causes that matter to us.  We just are not there *yet* — keep watching us and you’ll see we’ll make it!

How are we getting  by now?

We barter with our landlord for rent, right now we are building a greenhouse for him. A commercial sized greenhouse. We’ve sold a lot of our stuff, including most of Jeff’s larger tools. We share a cell phone. It’s a Boost Mobile phone that costs only $50/mo for unlimited use. We have another pay as you go phone around for when the kids need one but we probably put $10/mo on it…if that. We had to give our Suburban back to the bank last year. To get around we borrowed a couple of vehicles from friends and in January we bought a little Subaru for $500. It’s beat up but it runs and gets us to our groups and little jobs and it uses next to nothing in gas. We don’t pay for internet. We’ve found some WiFi spots around where we live and/or we go to Barnes and Noble or Starbucks (currently I’m sitting in Starbucks).

The loss of our electricity has been a gift in many ways. Laugh…but it has. It’s brought us even closer and shown us just how much we can actually deal with and still be happy. Really, truly happy.

Our goal as a family is to get out on the road. To travel around and meet other homeschooling/unschooling families. Last December we traded Jeff’s 1971 Harley Sporster for an RV. We took it on a couple of trips but now it needs a transmission. And we’ve been looking at school buses. We’d like to pick one up and convert it into a living space then travel around and meet, interview and video other families. Families that unschool. Families that public school. Families that homeschool. Families that private school. Families. Lots of Families.

The kids have been living with less than they are used to materially for the last year and a half. However they are living with MORE than they are used to freedom wise over the last year and a half. Because we’ve shifted to whole life unschooling. Our kids are free to make choices for themselves. They can choose when to get up, when to go to bed, when to read a book, when to build something, when to create, when to use play video games, when to play outside and so much more.

Some people might look at us and see neglectful parents, parents with kids that don’t have a lot of rules and don’t even have electricity…but those people would be so far from reality. Jeff and I have *never* been more attentive to the needs of our children than we have been this past year. We talk with them constantly about what their individual interests and goals are. We are WITH them nearly all the time. We bring them on adventures. We introduce them to more families and children who may or may not live how we do. We talk with them but more importantly we listen to them. We answer questions. We discuss. We find resources for their interests. Which include music, building, friends, technology, welding, boating, animals…and more of course…there is always more.

As a result we have children that write things like this. Kids that don’t complain about taking a bath with buckets of water (without electricity we have no running water). Kids that help lug the five gallon buckets of water from the greenhouse across the street every day. Kids that are actually excited about figuring out how to design a system of running/hot water that we’ll be able to transfer into an RV/Bus once we get one for the road. Kids that are just truly amazing.

When I hear people complaining about things like their AC going out, or their husband not taking out the trash I almost don’t know what to think. I’m living with no electricity. Actually, we do have a generator that we run for a few hours a day.  No running water (though we think we have that figured out so we should have it in the next couple of days). Our vehicle has not AC. We are mostly broke. We owe a lot of money.

Not to mention all the that is going on in the world at large…war, the oil spill…sigh…so much…

If you look at all the things we have against us it sounds like we have a miserable life. Then you look again and you see…

A husband and wife who have made it through infidelity, financial problems and much more. A couple who in the course of a year’s time have written and published a book that has moved and inspired literally hundreds of people all over the world.

A man who has decided to change his life for the better. A man who isn’t hiding from his past and is willing to put himself (and his skeletons) out for the world to see. A man who is dedicating his life to being a better husband and father. A man who is learning to be more compassionate and patient.

A woman that likes to take pictures and writes writes writes…with the aim of inspiring others in a peaceful way.

Three kids that I could write pages and pages about how great they are.

No, NONE of us are perfect. But we ARE happy. We ARE loving. We ARE compassionate. We ARE inspired. And we LOVE to learn.

Five people that love each other. Kids that love to learn and parents that are engaged and resourceful in finding ways to facilitate that learning. Whether it’s finding opportunities for the kids to earn money so they can buy things like iPods or a netbook or taking them on adventures to meet new people and have new experiences. A family that doesn’t just talk about their days but actually experience their days together. Kids that are allowed to be exactly who they are.

A family that chooses to live life by their own rules.

Creating love in these hard times is easy. You just have to choose to do it. Choose to see it. Choose to learn it. Choose to LIVE it.

Peace,

Kelly

That’s how it all started. That video. That song. Sort of anyway.

Wolfgang mentioned that he liked some Eminem songs. I half cringed and half nodded my head. Zoe piped up and said, “I remember when you used to get really mad because the neighbors listened to Eminem.”

She was talking about when we lived in another town, years ago. I’m talking seven years ago. She was five. Our neighbors (it was an apartment/triplex) had two boys each a year older than our boys. They would sit out on their back porch and BLAST it while rapping along to the worst of the worst lyrics. Something about a young boys rapping about…well all the stuff Eminem writes about. It just turned me right off.

It’s funny to me she remembered. I must have complained about it way more than I thought. Way more.

After I got over the initial semi-repulsion when Wolfgang told me he liked a couple of songs. I took a deep breath and I approached it with a little more open mind. I said, “He’s got some really unpleasant songs. I mean really bad. But he is very catchy…the rhythm is always good and the words…He’s good at what he does.” This evolved into a whole discussion about what some of those negative lyrics are that bother me so much. Wolfgang told me the stuff he’s heard and likes isn’t anything like that. He also told me his cousin is really into him too.

My intrigue peeked. I asked him what the songs were that he liked. He told me Beautiful & When I’m Gone. He also said he thought that not only would I like Beautiful but I would cry if I heard When I’m Gone. Today he played the video for me. He was right, I cried and they both were pretty beautiful. I love Paul Rogers voice so he sounds amazing in the intro to Beautiful and then there is When I’m Gone the song Wolfgang calls his favorite rap song ever.

It’s worth watching and me…maybe I’m reading too much into it but it really fills me with warm and fuzziness. It’s a song about a father recognizing he’s failing his child. It’s about his struggle to step up and be the husband and father he really wants to be but doesn’t quite know how yet. It really parallels much of our life and I think in a way it really shows that Wolf has compassion for himself and Jeff and their relationship is healing. That is a beautiful thing.

I opened myself up to something I looked at as mostly negative and I saw something else entirely. Now, that’s not to say I don’t think a lot of his other work is negative. It just means to me…it’s not all bad and there is some beauty in it if you’re open to seeing it. Wolf and I have talked about those other songs. His cousin (really cool kids <3) had some lyrics to one of Eminem songs on her page...he listened to that one and didn't like it as much.

Then he looked up a bunch of others Eminem songs and wasn’t completely thrilled with some of the other lyrics either but he found the new CD Eminem has coming out this month is full of positive recovery songs…hence the name…Recovery

Interestingly enough last year he released an album called Relapse in May that has a song about the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of his step-father.

The chorus is the following…

If you could count the skeletons in my closet
under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I’ve completely lost it
is he nuts? no, he’s insane

That album was released two months after we posted Skeletons Don’t Sleep on Authonomy. He was writing about his skeletons…while we were writing ours. It blew me away when I listened to it. And in case you’re considering listening yourself…it is EXTREMELY graphic…so much that I’m not even going to post it here.

It’s neat to me to see all these connections - connections I may not have been open to seeing a ten years ago. I love being open to seeing more of the perspectives. Eminem? He’s not all bad. He’s not all good either. I’ll join with Wolfgang though and celebrate the good.

Peace,
Kelly

Today we spent the day at our friends the Carpenter’s home. Jeff helped Steve and some friends sand down Cicada his family’s wooden sail boat he has been rebuilding for the last year.

The kids hung out with the Carpenter boys and I worked on the new blog design, took photos, caught frogs, chased chickens and talked with the kids. It was great day. One of those days that remind you how wonderful it is to have really great friends.

Here are a few shots from the day…

Don’t worry he’s alive ….

Peace,
Kelly

We don’t have chores. Here are three examples of recent non-coerced giving. The Griffin and Zoe stories are from today. While the Wolfgang one from a couple weeks ago.

This morning I was feeling exhausted. Really uncharacteristically exhausted, still am, but I kept trying to get things done that were bothering me. I wanted to clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes. Jeff was off cutting some trees down for the landlord, something that was causing me a huge amount of anxiety (again uncharacteristically - I don’t generally get anxious).

Zoe and Griffin were awake playing and such. I would clean a little then go lay down. I got the kitchen done for the most part. When Jeff came back I went out to clean the car. He was talking about wanting to go out later and all the stuff in the back had been bothering me. Shortly into cleaning out the back Zoe came outside to see what I was doing.

Z: Whatcha doing?
K: Just cleaning out the car. It’s been bothering me so I figured I’d take care of it.
Z: But you’re not feeling well. Why don’t you go lay down?
K: I will when I’m done.
Z: Would you like some help?
K: Sure, I would love some help.

She helped me clean the whole car. Not one complaint. The whole car. She didn’t ask for money or reward. She just wanted to help clean the car.

Later on we went to Grampa Ernie’s (my paternal grandfather). When we pulled up he was on his lawnmower looking pretty tired. He had just finished up mowing the front yard but still had the whole backyard to finish up. Griffin announced he’d like to mow the backyard for Grampa. And that’s exactly what he did for the next hour. By the time he was finished it was dark out. Grampa insisted on paying, although Griffin tried refusing the money three times he eventually accepted the money and thanked Grampa promising to come back and clean up any *holidays* he may have missed.

Then there is the story of Wolfgang’s bike…you can read the beginning of the story here.

HERE is the rest of the story…

A couple of months ago Wolfgang’s bike was stolen. Wolfgang is 15.

The other day the kids, Jeff and I were outside when a boy rode by on the bike.

Jeff followed the boy and got it back. He gave it up without contesting just acted as though he didn’t know….but he gave it back.

Wolfgang saw the kid at the lake a couple of days later. He didn’t talk to him. He’s never talked to him. He *looks* like a trouble sad kid, smoker,
drugs etc.

When we got home Wolfgang said, “I think I’d like to give him the bike. I have another one now and don’t need it. Plus if I give him the bike he’ll be less likely to go steal someone else’s.”

Then he posted that on his facebook page asking for feedback. A mother of a friend of Wolf’s responded.

===

Wolfgang Halldorson: went swimming pretty packed but, the water was nice. Got to see who stole my bike thinking about just giving it to him because he
is just going to steal another one and him having my bike would decline that risk and plus i have another bike that i like more so it is all cool

friends mother: I like the thought but not the fact that he would be rewarded for his stealing.
Tuesday at 9:40pm

Wolfgang Halldorson: the kid gave it back without a problem and he would not have the need to steal another one if he had mine. It would not be rewarding
him he needs it more than me. he seems like a kind of depressed kid
=========

A few days ago….

The other boy walked by our yard. Wolfgang went outside and offered him the bike. Wolf said he has another one and wouldn’t mind. The kid refused. He was nice but he looked as though he felt really uncomfortable. Wolfgang told him it was really okay that he wanted him to have it. He even said, kindly, that he’d rather him have it than take someone else’s bike.

He refused, again. Nicely.

Jeff (hubby) asked him his name and how old he was. He is three month younger than Wolf. Jeff assured him that Wolfgang was “allowed” to give the bike to him and we all wanted him to have transportation so he didn’t think he needed to take someone else’s bike again. Jeff said, “Would feel better with another bike? You can have that mountain bike we don’t use it.” (we have a handful of bikes that were gifted to us and some put together from pieces from the dump).

The kid accepted the mountain bike. He thanked both Jeff and Wolf.

He and Wolfgang shook hands.

True giving, without strings, without promise of reward…is really a wonderful thing to witness.

One of the things Jeff and I have been working on is dealing with each other’s crabbiness in a positive way and being mindful and compassionate of each other’s feelings.

We haven’t narrowed down the *best* things to do for each other yet but we certainly have narrowed down the best things NOT to do.

Hell, it’s a start right?

I would say the biggest thing on both of our lists of NOT to do when we are grumpy is TELL us we are grumpy. This does nothing but make it worse. Even if done sweetly.

“Honey, you seem stressed. Is there something I can do for you?”

Nope, doesn’t work.

A hug or soft kiss on the cheek is generally helpful but it’s hard to kiss a porcupine. I would like to hear some of the things YOU do for someone you love when they are crabby. What WORKS? or what helps you to remember the porcupine still needs that kiss?

Are you done yet? I’ve never seen you spend this much time reading a book! Jeff told me yesterday as I was nearing the end of reading Sandra Dodd’s Big Book of Unschooling.

My copy came in the mail a couple of weeks ago. I always had access to (and often visited) her website just like anyone else with access to internet but for me there is something very different about a book. Yeah, some of it could be a holdover from my book worship but really it’s more about the portability of the medium, ability focus and personalize.

I can take a book anywhere. It’s much easier to pick up exactly where I left off when I get distracted and I get to write in it. And you all know I love to write! I can’t wait for the day when you can highlight, scribble on and make notes to *your own copy* of a website. You can probably already do it on some devices…but my dream is something like an iPad where all of *my* notes are saved for my accessibility. So, I guess I should say I can’t wait for the day when I can afford it… or just make it a priority and aim for it.

Anywho…getting off track a bit there.

First off about the Big Book - I love the size, shape and actual feel of the it. Sandra published Big Book through Lulu.com the same company we used to print Skeletons Don’t Sleep and it’s almost exactly the same size, hers being a few pages longer.

The cover art is bright and fun. I like the sun image on the front with all of the activity going on between the rays.

When I saw the cover for the first time I thought the sun connection was personally neat. I was introduced to unschooling through a local unschooling group called SUN (Seacoast Unschooling Network). I am now the list owner/moderator of that group. I see how much effort it is to keep a list going and I commend Sandra and her team of moderators for their work on Always Learning.

As far as Jeff thinking it took a long time to read….it probably wasn’t so much that I took a long time but more that I was so engaged in reading it. I was/am often rereading passages, sometimes aloud and discussing particular sections along with sharing my perspective and experiences. The books is filled with amusing stories, emails, and notes that you can’t not share.

Among my favorites is in the section on fallacies. At the end of the section Sandra includes a note of from a mother talking about all the crazy things her son would and wouldn’t do if she gave him freedom - it’s absolutely hilarious.

If my kids had their way, they’d go barefoot outside their own yard, run in the streets between cars, never take baths, never eat their veggies and instead opt for chocolate cake every meal, mistreat animals, burn down the house playing with matches, never go to bed, never brush their teeth, etc.

She reads the message to her daughter Holly and records her responses. Holly is 12 at the time. The whole exchange is wonderful and in the end Holly says, “Why the hell would they run between cars in the street?!”

Since Zoe is 12 I read the same passage to her curious to hear her response. I didn’t make any comments. I just said, Hey, can I read you something? I want to hear what you have to say about it.

She agreed. I read the passage and she responded, very matter of factly…

Um, I would brush my teeth. I would take a bath. I would eat vegetables. I would go barefoot. She pauses for a moment, with a slightly horrified look on her face continues. I would NOT mistreat animals, ever. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head as she says the next two I wouldn’t run between cars. I wouldn’t burn the house down.

I come from a perspective of agreement with the philosophy in the book and there was really little I disagreed with her on. The Big Book, for me was more filled with affirmations than with revelation but she did such a beautiful job writing, organizing, selecting examples, explaining and questioning conventional thought that I believe strongly this book could help convince (that unschooling is not neglect and maybe it could actually work!) even the biggest skeptic.

Then for folks just trying to make life changes, hands down this book has the *most* expansive, practical and organized advice I’ve seen so far. The readability is phenomenal. I find Sandra’s website to be a little overwhelming and somewhat confusing. It lacks a navigation bar and a consistent feel. Simply adding a navigation bar to all the pages would remedy that, easily. Then again I could just be being critical because of my background in site design.

There are other books out there about unschooling philosophy and *I* haven’t read them *all* but the Big Book strikes the perfect balance between readability, information and clarity. Some of the books I read provide a great introduction but have much less information and don’t delve so deeply into the nuts and bolts of it all, others have way more information but the organization and readability are lacking.

Sandra’s book is clear, fun and sometimes even humorous. She even goes so far as tricking the reader a few times. One time I laughed so hard I almost cried because I fell for it. I’d share it with you here but I’d hate to deprive you of the joy of experiencing it yourself while reading the book.

Now, go get the book and read it. You can purchase it online here. It’s worth every penny.

peace,
Kelly

I’ve been reading a certain blog for about six months now. It’s a great little blog. I added it to my blogroll and have promoted it on my facebook etc. In attempt to be supportive.

I’ve been reading it regularly. About two months ago the author announced she was getting a divorce because her husband had an affair. I started posting. I posted mostly positive stuff about being open to staying married. Always keeping things positive and encouraging (though not always in agreement with what she said).

Two of the more recent entries were particularly sad (1 & 2). Both were specifically about her son, he is three.

One talked about her telling him she didn’t want to play with him if she couldn’t play her way…because it was no fun for him and he needed to learn that he can’t always have things his way. Yep, there was a contradiction there. I pointed it out, I think, kindly. I encouraged her to enjoy her time even if he tells her where to sit, because someday he will be big and she’ll be sad that time is gone.

The most recent entry she said she had been crying for 24 hours and decided that she *knew* both she and her son would be better off with a divorce. The cause of the tears? Mother’s day her soon-to-be-ex was so sweet and kind to her she couldn’t handle it, she missed him.

Ever since she announced the divorce she has regular readers that are clearly her in-person friends and they are to say the least extremely anti-hubby. Divorce him and move on…is where they all seem to be at.

This past blog entry…I responded. I worked on my words. I wrote. I deleted. I wrote. I deleted. Until I *thought* I was honest but not cruel. I did make one statement I wish I could reword. I said she had divorce cheerleading friends. She does…I was honest but it wasn’t worded constructively. It was hurtful, whether I meant it to be or not.

Her friends ripped me to shreds. Talked about being “full of rage” said I “self-righteous” and I was “raising little martyrs” and “in denial.” One reader wrote (and two others said they agreed 100%) she was “sad for my children” and I am “the selfish one.” — there was more but that is the gist.

The biggest thing I’ve done in all my posts on her blog is encourage her to be OPEN to the IDEA of reconciliation. That’s it, basically. I said be open to it. Don’t be so hasty You don’t know what is going to happen. Your husband might wake up and be incredibly regretful. That sort of stuff. She has emailed me privately a couple of times and said she is interested in that possibility. I have told her repeatedly if anything I say bothers her just tell me it’s too much, I’ll stop posting. Instead she has sent me emails thanking me. So, I keep posting feeling like the only positive voice in the crowd.

Her blog on the other hand…She had/s convinced herself (or her friends) that her husband is someone she can no longer love (in that way). He is gone forever to her.

And then…this afternoon waiting with the kids in the car for Jeff to come out of the grocery store, I dug in my purse and pulled out my copy of “the pocket BUDDHA reader” - I opened it up randomly and said, “Hey kids - I have a story to tell you.” — I did not pick this story on purpose. I opened to it and started reading.

This is the story that I read. The way things connect…amaze me sometimes.

The Buddha told a story to his monks: A young widower was devoted to his little son. But while he was away on business, the whole village was burned to the ground by bandits, who took away the little boy. When the father returned and found only ruins, he was brokenhearted. He thought that the charred remains of an infant was his own child, so he organized a cremation, collected the ashes, and carried them always in a special bag.

One day his real son managed to escape from the bandits and found his way back to his old home. His father had rebuilt the house. When he arrived, late one night, and knocked on the door, his father called, “Who is there?”

“It is I, your son. Please let me in.”

The father, still carrying the ashes and hopelessly sad, thought this must be some wretched boy making fun of him and he shouted, “Go away!”

The boy knocked and called again and again, but the father always made the same response, and at last the boy left, never to come back again.

When he had told this story, the Buddha added, “If you cling to an idea as the unalterable truth, then when the truth does come in person and knock at your, door you will not be able to open the door and accept it.”

Udana Sutta

I don’t know if Jeff and I did the right thing by staying together. I do know we are happy. We are in love. Our kids are glad we did. I don’t know if my kids or I will be better off in the long run. I will say I’m more sure now than I was last year at this time.

I’m not perfect. I don’t think I have all the answers. But I’m quite sure this poor woman is getting a lot of bad advice…and not just from me.

When my kids were little, I had this vision. My kids would *love* to read. I was determined to instill into them that same love.

I didn’t always love to read. I mean I was a fairly early reader and could read, well, before I went to first grade. In the beginning reading really thrilled me but it didn’t take long for me to lose all interest. I never had any interest reading anything that was “assigned” to me in school. By the time I hit junior high school I nearly stopped reading altogether. I made it through my entire time in High School without reading a single required book. I didn’t cheat on tests or use cliff notes. I just paid attention to (and participated in) discussions, just enough to get by.

So, when I had kids it was one of the most important things to me, to raise readers. I have always read to them.

Now that they are getting older I’m noticing not a lot of other kids enjoy reading. In fact lots of kids that they went to school with actually hate reading. Not my kids. These three pictures are of my kids choosing to read something they are interested in.

Books they wanted.

Some so interesting (she’s reading the twilight series above) they even read walking through the grocery store. More recently Zoe read the Traveling Pants series.

The neat thing is now that I’ve let go of the media bias, I’m really starting to see more and more value in alternative mediums. Jeff brought home a movie call “Men Who Stare at Goats” a couple of weeks ago. Wolfgang liked it so much he read the book. He’s 15 and it is not unheard for him to read all night long if he is into a book.

And all three of them still enjoy listening to me read…wow it a wonderful thing to share a book as a family. We have been looking at school buses lately. We are thinking of converting one into an RV. We were looking at one and Griffin pointed to the speaker looked at me and said, “Look, cool you can read to us!”

I feel really lucky that my kids are still readers. I think our early efforts, reading to them, reading around them, having the written word be such a huge part of my life one that brings me joy…I think all of that help spark their interest. But I also feel pretty strongly that allowing them the freedom to read, or not read, as little or as much as they want (now that they are older) has a lot to do with why they are *still* interested.

Forgiveness and what it means comes up a lot in discussions about abuse. Whether it be physical, sexual, child, spousal, emotional or psychological the question should you forgive is often posed. I think it is a question well worth asking but I’m not sure there is a single answer. Anyway, what *I* am more interested in is what the word *means* to people.

The reason it is on my mind today is this…Jeff bought a book recently. It’s a memoir. A memoir of a story of child sexual assault survival. We both read it. Part of the *title* is forgiveness…the book preaches about forgiveness. The author writes on one page about how she has moved beyond the assault and that she has forgiven her abuser. She claims everyone needs to do this yet a few paragraphs laters she calls the person evil, sick, disgusting and any other list of harsh names.

None of that *feels* like forgiveness to me.

It’s a hard thing forgiveness. That’s why I guess I don’t advocate for or against it. Personally, I opt to forgive more often than not.

Here is just one quick - somewhat lighthearted - example of who I am. I was involved in a three year serious relationship that started in highschool. I actually lived with the boyfriend, Mike, for my last year of highschool. Anyway, there was this girl that worked with him. We became friends. One night we were all at a party and this girl got drunk. I mean really drunk. I was driving and hadn’t drank a drop of alcohol. A bunch of us were sitting around talking and this girl, this friend of mine, started crying loudly and shouting. I’m sorry. I love him but I love her too. Kelly I’ve been - I - love him. I hope you understand I love you too. I do.. She flops over on the floor and starts mumbling about having to puke.

Everyone looks at me. I looked at my boyfriend. Did she just say that? Did she really just say that?

He responds. Ah. Um - I - Ah

She is about to puke on herself and starts to try and stand up. Nobody is helping her. She gets to her feet. She stumbles toward the door. I look around at everyone. Is anyone going to help her? They all sit there jaws dropped and immobile.

I get up walk over to her, put her arm over my shoulder and walk her to the bathroom. I spent the evening holding her head up and out of the toilet as she vomited. Mike had been cheating on me with her. I continued to be friends with her. I told her she had hurt me and I thought what she did was wrong but I forgave her. I continued to be friends with her and even today I’m still friendly with her (online) even though I have not seen her in nearly two decades (yikes am I that old?)…to me that is forgiveness. It’s letting go of the anger.

When it comes to more serious things like abuse it’s harder…I realize that. But getting back to the author of the book we read. She had made a comment on her facebook page about her abuser. She said she thought he must want to “run and hide from her” when she was around because he was “afraid” of her because “he knows I have the power now!” — the post appeared so angry full of caps and exclamation points.

Jeff replied to it. He wrote, “Is that forgiveness? Having power over someone? You talk in your books about forgiveness. What do you consider forgiveness?” I saw it and thought it looked a little adversarial even though it was an honest question. He told me I could delete it, so I did…within two minutes of posting it. Obviously, she saw it and guess what…instead of answering the question…she blocked us…to be honest I wasn’t surprised.

Now, I don’t always forgive. I do, more often than not, but not always. I also find that sometimes even though I have forgiven there is still a wound. Jeff’s multiple affairs have been a hard one for me. I do forgive him, completely. In fact I actually forgive him for transgressions I believe may have already happened that I don’t know about yet. - Just to be clear that doesn’t mean I give him a free pass for future abuse/affairs etc.

What that forgiveness means to *me* is that I empathize with his position. I tried to see things through his eyes. I tried to understand why he might have done what he did to me. Then I had/have compassion for his pain and guilt. I allow/ed myself to feel the pain he caused. I acknowledge that he did cause the pain and have told him he hurt me. It does not mean I trust him in the same way. It does not mean that I need now allow myself to be vulnerable in the same way again. It does mean recognizing Jeff’s limitations and working with him to find a way to live that makes us both comfortable and accountable.

Now, when it comes to something even more serious like child sexual abuse. It think to forgive or not is entirely up to the person harmed. There are benefits to forgiveness. I like the saying, “forgiveness is a gift you give yourself” but I actually lean more toward “acceptance is a gift you give yourself” — because I’m not convinced you *need* to forgive. I think it’s good to have compassion for. I think it’s more often than not a good thing to do BUT I don’t think it is necessary to healing.

Jeff chooses not to forgive his father. He does however accept that it happened. Understands that it is part of his past and he cannot change it. Most importantly, I think, is that he chooses to take control over his life today and not *blame* his wrong doings on his past…while still accepting the influence that past has had over him.

It’s getting late…and that is enough rambling for the night.

I really would love to hear your thoughts on forgiveness. What does it mean to you? Is it crucial to healing? Do you forgive easily?

I’m on a roll. I’m starting to really organize and work on a companion book to Skeletons Don’t Sleep. For now the book will be called and he would gather her leaves — and yes — it is inspired by Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. The sub-title will likely be something like: Rethinking Co-Dependence. The point of the book will be to provide some guidance for spouses and/or loved ones dealing with the emotional after-shocks resulting from sexual assault. I’ll be answering a lot of the questions people have addressed *to me* regarding my relationship with Jeff (and his borderline diagnosis).

Many people write me and talk of me like I am some superhuman. I’m not. I’m just like the rest of you, really no different. I have just stumbled along some things that have worked for me. I’ve found some great resources…and I hope to share some of that knowledge with others who might benefit. In the book I will share my perspective on the whole concept of co-dependence and why I think it’s not a bad thing. I’ll share with you my thoughts on self-esteem and inner-peace…and how to manage all that when you have to +give+ more emotionally than you might receive…and why that is okay.

This project is one of three book projects I’m currently working on and hope to have finished by the end of the year. It may sound ambitious but really it’s not. Words really do generally come to me pretty easily. It’s the focus on a finishing the bigger picture…but now that I’ve actually finished a book…start to finish (WITH JEFF!) including the formating, publishing and cover art…I’m convinced I can do it. And I really have Jeff to thank for that…

The other day Jeff posted this as our Skeletons Don’t Sleep facebook status:

“If I had to do it over again I would go through it all as long as I new I would be here with the woman and children I love… I wouldn’t change my childhood or change where I went because then I would have to change where I am now… if this is my prize for playing the game then I won… Jeff”

If I had fell for all the co-dependency is bad stuff then I would have never had that. I would have never had the privilege of knowing the husband, friend and love I have now. Give give give. It’s really okay. You might be surprised at what a gift you receive in return.

Oh and those other two projects are of course the Rocklander Boon and a book on grief.

If you have any questions for *me* as a spouse/loved one of a survivor…here would be a great place to post em. OR email me at skeletons@halldorson.com

Peace,
Kelly

We are going to try something. It’s pretty bold. So for now we are just going to do it until the end of the month, this month….April - Sexual Assault Awareness Month. We are going to give away (for free) a digital copy of our book Skeletons Don’t Sleep to every child sexual assault survivor that emails us.

We really think this book could help that many. So if you are a survivor and you want to read the book. Send us an email today at skeletons@halldorson.com and tell us your story and we’ll send YOU a digital copy…for free.

Feel free to spread this around…

Peace,
Kelly & Jeff

Most people know I designed the cover of Skeletons Don’t Sleep. What not everyone realizes is how that cover came to be. Jeff started writing Skeletons Don’t Sleep in February of last year. We had just gotten back together after our separation. We were looking for ways to connects, struggling to heal from the betrayal and he was insistent that writing Skeletons was what *we* needed.

I wrote three paragraphs and had me review them. I told him it was a great start and to keep going, not really sure if it was going anywhere. Things were so difficult between us at the time that I was really taking one day at a time. And the idea of adding something that could prove to be even more emotionally draining was a little scary to me…but I went with it.

Every step of the way we worked together. Every piece of the book is from both of us. Including the cover. Very early on he told me, “I know what it’s going to be called.”

“Okay. What?”

“Because Skeletons Don’t Sleep. That’s the answer. Everyone always asks why I pressed charges when I did and the answer is Because Skeletons Don’t Sleep.”

I liked it but there was something about it that felt awkward. After a day or two I suggested he drop the “Because.” He was a little hesitant…but eventually got on board with it. Sort of like me with the whole book to begin with. Around the same time he told me what he wanted on the cover. He wanted that self-portrait (see above photo) he had done in 1995, during our first separation.

It was an ink drawing of him crouching with a smoke skull coming up behind him. A guitar lay at his feet.

As much as I loved the drawing, I just didn’t think it was right for a cover. Coming from a design/marketing background it didn’t fit. I didn’t say no I just stewed on it a little. Then it came to me. I’d try make the drawing come to life. I could see it so clearly in my head. The vision was absolutely perfect. I asked Jeff what he thought. He was reluctant. “What!!? You want me to be naked?!” But in the end he went along with it.

That night we set up the shot in our bedroom at the trailer. Actually on our air mattress on the floor. I set up four candles around Jeff and we warned the kids not to walk in because I was taking photograph. We had showed them the drawing so they knew what I was trying to recreate. I don’t think anyone of them even Jeff really thought I’d be able to pull it off.

Well the shots worked. I messed with the images and found the perfect shot. Over the next couple of weeks I worked to try and take the skull from the drawing and put it behind Jeff. None of the attempts looked at all like I saw in my head. I showed the pictures to Jeff, he was positive and encouraging. “I know you can do it. It is hard though because I can’t see what’s in your head. I just see it completely differently.”

Finally one late night of writing I was fishing through images of skulls online. Trying to find something that I could show him what I was talking about. Finally I found a couple of photos of actual skulls and skeletons, not drawings then it all sort of came together. I used some of the images I’d found as a foundation for the background skull…and it all started coming together over the next few hours. I couldn’t figure out how I wanted to merge the images…but I knew I wanted the skull to be smoke like in Jeff’s original concept. Then I thought to play with the smudge tool…and then it was done.

Jeff was blown away. I couldn’t believe I had actually done it. I felt as though hands down it was the best piece of artwork I had ever done. I still feel that way. The thing is there was no way I could have done it on my own…it was the collaboration that made it so perfect. The combination of our vision. Something truly special went into the creation of that cover.

When you throw out the ego and be open to being a part of something the end results can be absolutely amazing.

Peace,
Kelly

Jeff is going to be doing these video podcasts. They will be available here, on our youtube page, on our facebook page, and through iTunes.

The videos will be to help share spread awareness, dissolve the stigma, and show others how one man is making a change in his life. Going from victim to human being again.

As always we’d love feedback and please spread the word.

Peace,
Kelly

Oh, why are we keeping score?

Where relationships were always balanced? We all suddenly came to peace with our individual roles in the world and stopped trying to change others? This is something *I* have been working on myself for a very long time. Not changing others. Accepting people for who they are and understanding everyone (including me) have limitations. Making that kind of adjustment allows for a few things. The first being it makes you less likely to take something personally. It has also helped me become far more humble. I recognize most of my limitations and can warn people what they are at the same time I work to improve upon them.

With score keeping there is no acceptance. There is only envy and vanity.

I’ve been wondering if we stop sinking,
Would we stand our ground?

We all have our own problems. It would be wonderful if we could help the others with areas of their lives that we actually have had success. But it’s not that simple. Sometimes when/if we try and reach out we add to the problem. By sending more negativity in the direction of the ones we are trying to help…causing them to sink faster. I’ve been doing that myself lately. I’ve realized. I’ve been reading another blog and posting pro-marriage advice. While I believe strongly that advice is needed and good in the balance of the other stuff. The recipient doesn’t hear it and I’m getting the *feeling* my reaching out is causing more pain. So, I’m going to stop. Not stop reading - it’s a great blog - but stop posting.

Sometimes it’s difficult to sit back and just watch people make their own choices in life. Especially the ones close to us. There is a certain negative pride/vanity associated with it. That is why I have spent a lot of energy over the last ten years not to try and change other people in my life. I’m not talking about trying to persuade someone to vote for a specific candidate or shop at a certain store. I’m talking about life choices.

I have been vegetarian for over 20 years now. My kids are all vegetarian. Jeff is now vegetarian. I still cannot attend a single family function without there being a joke about the juicy bloody meat. Seriously. I believe in reducing suffering. I *know* eating meat causing suffering on a massive scale. Suffering that has a rippling effect. However, I rarely impose those that on others. I’ve taught my children to be tactful vegetarians…however they are their own people so they aren’t always tactful…despite my prodding.

This isn’t some mystical belief. It is truth. Specifically - factory farming causes massive suffering. That is fact. All you need to is spend a few minutes online researching and you’ll see video proof of it. Here are just a few resources *if* you are interested in seeing:

www.GoVeg.com
www.VeganOutreach.org
Meet Your Meat
Fowl Play the Movie

That’s all just a start of what is out there. Although I’ve advocated for years about spreading the truth of the meat-industry I’ve tried to be compassionate and understanding to the people that continue to eat meat. For goodness sake I married a man that ate meat until six months ago. In fact if he chooses to start eating meat again, I’m going to continue to love him and be married to him. Why? Because I understand it is *his* journey - *his* choice.

I’ve extended this into other areas of my life too. I have family and friends who make life choices that strongly do *not* reconcile with my way of life…parenting things like public school, formula feeding, daycare, strict punishment or other life choices like excessive drinking, plastic surgery and more…but I don’t meddle. I may express my disagreement with those choices but I would never claim nor do I believe my life is *the right way* to live. Or that I am a *better* person or parent than they are.

What I do *know* about the way I live is that I give it thought every single day. I question myself. I question my choices. I question my parenting. I read. I research. I talk to other people. I am open. I do not take another individual’s life choices that differ from mine as an affront to me personally nor do I see them as a judgement about my choices. I see them as simply different from mine.

Of course there are exceptions, if a person I know tells me (or I witness) they are stealing (greed) or otherwise purposely causing harm to another individual (maybe through an affair - lust) then of course I make a judgement. In those cases I would talk to the person in question. I try and have compassion for where they are or why they might be acting in a certain manner. If they were open to my perspective I might offer up a suggestion to stop the behavior but I find usually people have to learn on their own.

If I think there is someone in pain or someone I love needs help in a way that *think* I may be able to provide. I ask them if there is anything I can do or I tell them I am available if they need me. Usually, I’m very clear about what my limitations are. I’m not good at returning calls, facebook is the best way to reach me. I’d love to get together for coffee if need be but I like to stay close to my family…stuff like that. I have gossiped, no doubt. It is something I am rethinking plan to be more mindful about my speaking of others. When I do *help* someone I do my best to keep it positive…and only do so if my help is requested specifically or there is some general solicitation for advice.

And through everything we’ve learned,
We’ve finally come to terms.
We are the outsiders,

And through everything I’ve learned. I’ve finally come to terms. I am an outsider and I’m so okay with that. I think to feel nothing for other’s choices would be apathy. It’s important to be open and understanding of people who choose to live differently than you do. There is nothing gained from the a wrath that stems from frustration over someone else’s choices.

Shortfalls of little sins
Close calls and no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin

I make mistakes. I do. I get snappy and defensive. I’m impatient at times. I’m not always mindful when it’s important…*before* I act or speak. That is why I write so much, I think. Because it allows me to really spend the time to be mindful of my words. To think about what I want to say before I actually say it. Even when I’m so inspired that the words just flow out of me…as if from some foreign place…I still have the ability to take a deep breath and review it before I make them my words, my permanent words.

I’m standing tall, but I’m so running thin, wearing thin. So, with the fallout from the accidental email forwarding. I wrote about it in my Grieving a Bigger Loss entry. I’ve found I’m in need of setting some boundaries for my own sanity at least for the short term. Thus far it has been working pretty well for me and the family though it’s only been a few days. I’ve been able to stay positive and focus on work, writing, book promotion and future goals.

I think life is about accepting differences. We don’t have to condone them all just be accepting of the ability of others to make their own way…and maybe just because we think we may have it figured out…doesn’t mean we are right. And if we’re wrong it doesn’t mean they are right.

I’m not leaving without a fight.
I got my holster around my side.
Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right.
No you ain’t right.

It’s funny. When I was writing this blog entry about accepting the choices of others and being compassionate and understanding that those things don’t alway reconcile with your own world. I happened to notice this status update from my stepfather.

You’re not getting by with anything. Every refusal and avoidance of God adds fuel to the fire. The day is coming when it’s going to blaze hot and high, God’s fiery and righteous judgment. Make no mistake: In the end you get what’s coming to you—Real Life for those who work on God’s side, but to those who insist on getting their own way and take the path of least resistance, Fire! Romans 2:5-8 (The Message Bible)

I’m not a religious person. I’m not an atheist. I’m not a Christian. I am closest to an agnostic-taoist. HOWEVER…I am very open and supporting of individual journeys. I have a friend who has his religious beliefs on his facebook page as “whatever makes you want to be a better person” — that’s kind of how I feel. I find value in the teachings of many past spiritual leaders, including Jesus.

Knowledge and ritual without compassion is empty.

Love your neighbor, but who is your neighbor. Your neighbor is the one who is sent to you from the Divine. Your neighbor can be one who is a total stranger to you from afar. Your neighbor can be someone living close to you. But what is true is that your neighbor is one of the Light who needs your support as much as you need his

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

How can anyone *not* see beauty and wisdom in those words? But when I see Christians focusing on passages like the one he posted above, I get discouraged and saddened. When those words are spoken/recited/written by a human…it *feels* as though that person believes they are superior. It is as if it is a threat from the person…join me…or you will burn in hell. Seriously? I don’t want to join that!? If you want to win me over…focus on the positive stuff. Like the teachings of compassion by Jesus. Why not behave like him? Be accepting as he was? Love like he did? Any of those things…maybe not judge my immortal soul as though *you* are God.

I am not agnostic because I do not believe in God. I am agnostic because I accept all the possibilities. There are times in my life when I feel touched by something greater than myself, most recently…when Jeff found the Ax, when we found the Heart Wood or when words come to me from nowhere like when I wrote about Grampy…I just don’t claim to know what exactly that is. To me it’s not clear. It’s an elusive, beautiful thing that needs no definition from me. It just is and will remain for me (for now) a beautiful possibility.

If you have found salvation in Christ (or any other spiritual past). I think that is a wonderful, beautiful thing and I am truly happy for you. If you want to spread that joy and salvation all the better. Trying to scare people into your perspective…not with that.

Things I think we all need to remember…we may think we have the answers…but the reality is we are only human. All flawed. All fallible. All limited yet filled with beautiful near-limitless potential.

Maybe the answers we all seek are not found in one single place? Maybe we need to look outside mainstream…on occasion.

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?

The past few days have been difficult ones. I have been struggling with the loss of my grandfather. I spent much of yesterday crying…not nonstop…I had plenty of smiles and laughs in between but the sadness kept creeping up…in little waves. I am working hard to acknowledge the flood.

I have dealt with a lot of death in my life.

My grandmother died of breast cancer when I was 13. She died with her family surrounding her at home through Hospice. As horrific as it was how the cancer ate away at her. I have always remembered it as a beautiful death. She died with all the family sleeping under that roof crashed on the pull out sofa, the floor, and all around her.

I lost my friend Donella to a car crash. I lost my once close friend Marcia to asthma. I hadn’t talk to her in over a year which made the loss that much harder. Two ex-boyfriends died of drug overdoses. My step brother (really my half-brother’s half-brother) died in a car crash less than a year after I met and connected with him, my father died ten years ago…and the list goes on. I feel like as though nearly every other year since my grandmother’s death someone significant *to me personally* has died.

It has helped me to accept death. It really has. I feel the sadness for those closest to the ones lost. I feel the loss of the person’s presence in my life but I’m okay with it. I think experiencing that first death in such a beautiful loving way provided me with something powerful.

I was doing okay with Grampy’s death. It has been painful and sad but I have been okay. I really have. I had one *crazy* moment. Which I’m not quite ready to write about but suffice to say it lasted mere minutes but in that moment I did not feel in control of myself. Thankfully Jeff helped me out of that moment and back into the practical present…and since…I’ve been fine. Actually I’ve been a bit better than fine. I’ve been good. Sad yes, but good.

Now yesterday was hard. I was accidentally forwarded an email. There was content about me, money, our life choices and an issue we are having with poor Wolfgang’s braces. (That’s another story. When we finally get it taken care of it’ll be a blog entry for sure.) The email was hurtful because - well - it was not meant for me. They actually discussed never speaking of any of it to me in the email. It’s not even so much the email that’s so painful for me as it is the timing. It has made me question everything I thought I was a part of. I’m trying to keep a positive perspective but it just makes me all the more sad for the loss of Grampy…because I’m feeling as though he was the glue that held the family together.

Right now it feels like it’s all crumbling. Either that or it was all just an illusion to begin with.

I’m working on finishing my writing from the days at the hospital (which is turning into an actual book about grief)…the days following the Trip to the ER. The thing is my writing paints the picture of another beautiful death. Sad. Tragic. Unexpected. But beautiful in the way the family came together.

Today I’m struggling to find the beauty in any of it. I know it’s there. I’m sure I will see it again. But for now I’m grieving not just for the loss of Grampy but for the loss of something beautiful I felt a part of.

I have the answer. They both inspire yet elude me.

I still haven’t gotten out in the morning to shoot the Ravens @ Sunrise. I will get around to it sometime soon. It’s all within my power. I just need to commit it it and I need to get up early enough to do it. I’m thinking now that the weather is warming up so will my motivation to get up and get out so early.

I’d really like to catch them before the leaves fill out the trees though so I don’t have all that much more time. Maybe I can talk Jeff into heading out sometime in the next few days.

As far as the writing desk. I don’t have one. I have a laptop…so I guess everywhere is really my writing desk but a more permanent one does elude me. I have visions of the perfect writing desk, in a library, by a fireplace, in our Jeff built home in the woods. Or maybe a small one in the back of a class A motor home where I can sit and write at night after we’ve spent the day adventuring.

Someday maybe.

For now I’m just happy to be sitting next to my best friend writing…with any luck a little later on in the week…he’ll be by my side as I snap shots of ravens one morning in the near future.

Peace,
Kelly

This morning I woke up from one of those dreams. You know the ones where the metaphors are so obvious it’s laughable. The ones in which there is no need for a dream interpretation book? When it is so clear what your brain is working on and what areas in your life you are struggling in that all you can do is smile and share it with someone?

I sat bolt upright and out of breath. I was shaking a little. I woke up right as the dream was shifting from bad dream to nightmare, so not only was I shaking and out of breath but I was also feeling a little scared and confused.

Just before I opened my eyes…

——————————————–

I was rollerskating down a road. I had just one skate on and it was actually a cowgirl boot. The other foot was bare. It was a two lane road but traffic was coming toward me on both sides. It was a highway. There were little kids laughing and playing and walking in the direction of the traffic semi-safe in the area of the median.

The traffic kept coming at me and I didn’t understand it. I looked back at Jeff who was walking behind me. Why are they coming at me? I didn’t understand. Jeff, who of course like all dreams he wasn’t really Jeff but he was Jeff. He was a little more fit and…wait…that’s it he was Sawyer (in LOST)…but he was Jeff.

No, you’re okay.

But why is the traffic coming at me? I don’t understand. I know it’s supposed to be going the other way? I said as I struggled to press forward skating along on my one rollerskate cowgirl boot as though I’m on a skateboard. I see a little girl in the median. She smiles at me then asks for my help. She looks like me when I was little. Then she’s gone. I’m looking forward again. There is a tractor trailer truck coming at me.

I look back at Sawyer Jeff. What do I do? I don’t understand? I know I’m supposed to go this way. I know I am.

He smiles reassuringly at me. I just want to drop the skate and turn around and run to him. He nods me forward. Ushering me to turn around and get back to what I’m doing. We have someplace important to be. I turn around and the tractor trailer truck is still coming right at me. I look down at the road just in front of the truck. There are yellow arrows pointing in the other direction on both sides of the road.

I turn back to Jeff. Do you see that? Do you see them? The arrows. The signs! I’m going the right way.

He nods lovingly.

I glance to the median. The girl is there again. Do you see? Do you see? She smiles lovingly and nods.

I look forward again, confident and give one last push forward. The truck is closer but I can see, actually understand my destination.

I wake up.

—————————-

Jeff asked me this question before he fell back asleep.

Which foot was the boot on?

To which I replied. The right.

Peace,
Kelly

Alright it has been over a year and a half since I have read this book. I should also mention I read one of Michele Weiner-Davis’ other books Divorce Busting so not only is my memory faded a bit but it’s also probably a little clouded too.

So, why the hell am I doing a review? Simple really I see a ton of people that could really benefit from reading this book. Actually when I read it I told my all my kids they should read it when they were a little older. I really believe this is a book that can help people navigate *all* relationships more effectively. It’s a book about finding solutions rather than bitching about problems. I remember actually telling Jeff after we started reconnecting I told him I wanted the book to be the only wedding gift I ever gave again because I truly felt it would be the most valuable.

Why this book is so valuable? What it talks about is making change in you…through solution-based thought and mindfulness. If you are having difficulty in *any* relationship I implore you…READ THIS BOOK.

One of the most important thing it addresses is all the *voices* in your life. Most people tell you what you want to hear or at the very least what they *think* you want to hear. Period. You really don’t have to look far to see. Do you? Even the people close to you look for the easiest solution. Say you are having trouble with a particular issue in your marriage. You go to your best friend and tell them. What happens? Generally they validate your feelings but they want you better immediately. Their focus is YOU. Like individual therapy, the focus on the individual.

I say a sure fire way to end a marriage is for one of the people to see an therapist or see a marriage counselor that tells you it’s more than likely too broken to fix on the first or second session.

When Jeff and I were struggling this is exactly what happened. Jeff was seeing a therapist individually, at one point this therapist told Jeff that it was clear our marriage was over and he should only talk to me about money, the kids and work. This therapist was aware Jeff was seeing someone else, drinking and basically destroying his life and didn’t tell him to stop any of that stuff. It was are you happy with this new person? Even when Jeff told him, I don’t know I think I’m having a midlife crisis, the advice was the same. Your marriage ended a long time ago it is probably too broke to fix.

I started seeing a therapist too. She did the exact same thing. Every time I walked in she would tell me I needed to let the divorce happen. It was for the best. Jeff was no good for me. It sounds terrible I know but I’m convinced her intentions were good. She cared about me but she was focused on me. Her perspective was I couldn’t change Jeff so I should just move on.

That is the perspective of most people. They are shortsighted. They see the problems go away with the marriage dissolution, yet in reality they don’t. Michele Weiner-Davis brings the focus back on the marriage (or any relationship really). She focuses on the union. Gives the advice with a bias *for* the marriage…but continues to keep the individual in mind.

Even if your marriage falling apart. You *think* there is no fixing your marriage. There is no *fixing* your spouse. Maybe you are hopeless at this point, maybe you don’t even want to be married. This book will give you hope. I believe IF you want to stay married, this book will help that happen…even if your spouse isn’t into it.

Please take the time to read this book. It could change your life. It’s a super easy-read. Why take the chance and not read it? Skip an evening of network TV…this is so worth your time. Again whether you are married, not married, happily married, separated or have filed for divorce. Just read the damn book!

xo
Kelly

When I have an argument with a loved one, this is the most common insult I get. Aren’t you just little miss perfect., That’s right Kelly is perfect, she does no wrong or my favorite Oh, I forgot you’re perfect. . The most frustrating thing for me hearing those words is they are always come at me laced with sarcasm, at least in an argument. They say it as if to imply I believe myself to be perfect. In reality I am so far from that the idea is almost laughable …well at least if it wasn’t so sad.

I do understand there are things I do and think about that I think it’s fair to say not everyone does or at least not every day. I think (daily) about ethics, animal suffering, interpersonal relationships, compassion for victims, and mindfulness just to name a few. I work to make good and healthy food choices. I try and think every day about how I could make better choices and make amends to those I’ve hurt.

The reality is though. I make mistakes all the time. I’m not always mindful despite my efforts. I get grumpy. I get sad. I cry. There is this concept…that if you work really hard in one area another piece falls apart. Ben Franklin talks about this in his autobiography. (btw GREAT book, I’ve read it at least three times) He wrote of his own struggle for his version of moral perfection…but he would have great success in one area then fail in another. This is me. Although overtime improving in one area does help to make an attempt to improve in another that much easier. I can’t say that I have reached “moral perfection” in any one virtue…but I do find the idea an appealing ultimate goal.

It’s funny really. That ax head in the above photo. Jeff found that on the property where we live. We had just gotten back together after our separation and Jeff thought was transforming, independent of me yet at the same time completely involving me. He was working hard to rebuild my spirit. Wanting to make amends for all the ways *he* had hurt me, despite my reassurance that my happiness was my responsibility. He would say to me, I love you. You are perfect.

No Jeff! I’m not perfect. I don’t think I’m perfect. Please don’t call me perfect.

You are perfect for me.

Then one day he found that ax head. I was feeling particularly sad that day. He walked in holding it. You’re not going to believe what I found. And he hands me the ax head. I told you, you’re perfect. Here is proof.

I don’t know what to do with that or any of the happy teasing I get from fellow moms about my weight or friends about my writing, or angry sarcasm from a family member…or even the loving genuine words from my husband. I just don’t know what to do with it.

What I see in the mirror is room for much improvement. I can always be kinder. I can always be more patient. I can always give more. I could pay my bills on time. I could exercise more. I can always hug my kids more. There is always room for improvement.

I am imperfect but maybe that is exactly what makes me perfect, perfectly human.

Peace,
Kelly

Wisdom. Music. Love. Life. Acceptance. Perfection. Failure. Grays. Blacks. Whites. Choices. Words.

Words are spinning in my mind today. I am having difficultly finding the means of to express them. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts both good and bad. It’s as though I feel unworthy of the inspiration. Well, maybe not unworthy but incapable of expressing it in a way that accurately represents the complexity of the inspiration. I want to draw. I want to write. I want to photograph. I want to connect. I want more time. I want more time with my grandfather. I want a hug.

I can so clearly see most of the time. Then…I try and fight…and like the song….

“when i try to fight or run
i only wind up back at square one”

I am exactly where I need to be. This the present. This is where I need to be.

“yes i believe that there’s a purpose just for me”

I’m coming to understand what that purpose is, I think. I don’t have all the understanding yet but I do think…I’m close. Now if I can just stop running from or fighting it…and accept it…because I do believe….

“yes i believe that we are light
and we shine infinitely”

“i need to be exactly where i am
i am not aimlessly existing see
i am in perfect harmony with universal energy
and i am truly free when i accept my own divinity”

Thank-you universe for taking me back to *exactly* where I need to be.

Peace Love Free
Kelly

(drawing by hubby Jeff)

I’m not a fan of poetry…unless it’s Silverstein, Poe, Suess or any most any lyrics…so I think I’ll celebrate the whole National Poetry Month thing by trying to be more open. I’ve been kind of snobby about poetry which is a little ironic considering one of my reasons for not really liking it is that I find it to be one of those areas of artist expression that’s just a little too pretentious for me.

The other thing is going to make me seem even more like a cocky brat…but I always looked at it as too easy. I could write poems all day. Seriously…words pour out of me. One of the ways I have always judged art is if I think I could do it or not. It may seem silly to non-artists or even to some fellow artists. But when I look at a piece of art or read something I guess you could say I size it up a bit. If it’s something I think I could recreate pretty easily I’m not real impressed. Then again if it’s something I think I could do but would have never even thought of that wins huge points in my book.

Of course those are all just pieces. There are other obvious things I take into account when I look at a piece of art. Does it move me? Do I find it pleasing to my eyes? How does it make me feel? All of this deeper stuff counts too, I mean I’m not entirely superficial. I’m also not cold…remember I can’t even watch the trailer of Where the Wild Things Are without sobbing.

I used to feel this way about scenic photographs. I hated taking them. I thought it was too easy. I would look at a pretty postcard and think, yeah that’s pretty. It would kind of end there for me.

I decided to be a little more open about my perspective on scenic photography (as well as making it more challenging by trying to take such a large number!) just before I started the Something Beautiful project and now I’ve taken over 3,000 photographs of beautiful scenes. Not only that but I now have a far deeper appreciation of scenery. Everywhere I look now, I see beauty. If it’s not obvious, I look deeper but regardless I always find something. If I hadn’t chosen to make that effort to be more open, I wouldn’t have been given that gift of deeper appreciation.

Maybe that is what I should try with this poetry stuff…be more open…and give myself a challenge. I think I’ll try and finish the Rocklander Boon story this month. I had planned to write it as a poem. Yeah, I think that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll keep you posted. Maybe I’ll even up the challenge and write a few serious poems, I doubt it…but maybe. If do I’ll post em.

Peace,
Kelly