I have sat back and watched the commotion of the last few days. I have seen the good and bad in people. I have listened as individuals tried to sway others toward and away from different perspectives.

Here is what I do know. My name is Jeff Halldorson, my wife’s name is Kelly Halldorson. These are our names, they are real and they are the ones that appears on our driver license, our mail. They are real as we are real people.

I know that Best Cookie is not someone’s given name and that person on the other end has a real name. It is yet just a name.

My name is Jeff Halldorson and I was sexual assaulted for many years by James Halldorson, prison inmate # 78719. I know he is there because Kelly and I put him there. For the next 20 to 40 years children have one less predator to worry about.

I wanted to write about the nasty emails and the lies that have been caught, the Kool aid being passed around like bad acid at a Dead show. I wanted to send out angry words and retaliations for the nasty things being said about my wife…

My wife… oh the one that let all the posts go through uncensored no matter how nasty. The one that did not remove the harshest of words on facebook, let all of you say that wanted and get their word in on that platform… I can not say that for the other half.

Yes even I often forget what it was like as she held my hand and carried me through the sentencing of my father… my sexual assaulter. It is often that I get absent minded and take for granted the woman that held me up when I was at my weakest.

I see the word that people have said with the intent to hurt and I know that they are misguided. Kelly is not one to self promote so I feel the need do it for her. To defend her if you will…

To those of you that do not know Kelly (her real name used here) she has been helping those with deep, sad stories of physical and sexual abuse for many years. When we wrote our book it was Kelly that took the high road when Harper Collins asked us to publish under a synonym. We agreed not to because I would be dishonest to the reader. We wouldn’t be accountable for what we wrote. It was Kelly that would not take the payday and run… I wish it had been me but it wasn’t.

It is my loving wife that has convinced me that in order to help we must do it willingly and without attachment, to this we have sent out countless E-books, even to some of you, at no cost so that we may share in our triumphs and failures, to heal together as a united survivor of a horrific crime perpetrated on us by the sick and evil. To allow others to see where I have failed and the affects that it has on the world around me. So that others may relate or learn. So as not put a monetary value on sharing and healing.

My wife is not jealous of anyone. Kelly gives, and gives, and gives to a point that it takes a toll on her. She doesn’t give to you. She gives to us, her family, to me her husband and her children. She gives herself completely to us and with no strings, it is often hard to except and sometimes intimidating to see a person so committed. I see in her what I want to achieve and why.

To the rest of you she shares, her words and the sights she sees. She shows a world through a camera filtered through the human heart. She shares the joys of life that is found when you are willing to clean it up after a fall in the mud.

Speaking of mud, now that you all have had a chance to throw some around you can throw it my way if you want. I have seen far worse that what you can throw.

Erin’s books enraged me. I do not apologize for that. I do not apologize for questioning her, her motives and her story. Believe me it was hard to come to my personal conclusions. I did not take the matter lightly. If in fact her story is true then a great injustice has been done and she needs to fire her editor and re-write the book. I don’t care if you want to compare it to my editor or not that is not what we are saying. Her books read TO ME like a confused mess and someone need to get the story straight.

I took the books to others and asked them to read them. I gave them to another survivor and asked for an unbiased opinion. I gave it to an education professional and asked for the same.

Just as I came to my opinions so did Kelly. They are OUR opinions. We want others to have their own opinions, to come to their own conclusions. To discuss it in an open, free dialoged.

Spend some time with us, with Kelly. Look through her pictures and read her words. Then you might know where her thought are when it comes to writing about Erin. To see the human behind the words may give you a different perspective. To understand that the word forgiveness is not a word used lightly. That an honest and true apology is not to be taken for granted.

Erin Merryn is not a real person. It is a name made up to hide the identity of girl that has had her world turned upside down. The fact that it is not her real name means a lot to me. It means that the consequences for the words are different. If you don’t believe that I will tell you from experience that it is. I cannot hide from my words I have no choice but to be responsible for them. Kelly taught me that.

The person behind the name Erin Merryn is another story. All the characters have different names and different outcomes. “Brian” is not “Brian” but someone else nameless to us, and from what we are told running around hurting others. Anyone of us or our children, our daughters or sisters could be hanging out with him and we wouldn’t even know he was the key to a book.

That is why we do not hide from who we are.

I am Jeff Halldorson, sexual assault survivor, man, husband, father, author and artist. My name defines me it is the last name of the man that assaulted me…

It is the last name of my wife Kelly Halldorson, Uncensored and she is my hero… throw your mud.

While at the Northeast Unschooling Conference in Wakefield, Mass this past weekend I had the pleasure of sitting down with Carsie Blanton. She is an amazing singer-songwriter whom currently resides in Philadelphia. Her music is of the witty-adventurous-poppy-jazzy-folk-crunchy-lovely-touching-joyful sort while her voice proves to be commanding yet gentle instrument when witnessed live.

If you ever get a chance to see her live I highly recommend. You won’t be disappointed.

Carsie was unschooled and is entirely self-taught: vocally, lyrically and musically.

Here is the first of two videos I plan to post from my discussion with Carsie. I also have the full discussion in an audio file…that will be posted soon enough too.

Hopefully this sparks your interest in this fascinating young woman and you hop over to her site and buy her album/s or check out her blog. Either which way it’s worth it.

Other things to look forward to seeing here over the next two weeks so be sure to subscribe and/or stop back by REAL soon…

• The second installment of my interview with Carsie
• A video of Erica Goldson reading her speech w/ Q&A @ the Northeast Unschooling Conference (NEUC).
• Interview with Peter Gray & video/audio of his talk at NEUC
• Interview with grown unschooler and potter Brenna McBroom
• Interview with Ren Allen
• Review of Erin Merryn’s books
• Commentary on Erin’s Law
• Another installment of The Weekly Worth It

And a LOT more…

Peace & as always thank-you for taking time out of your life to visit my tiny little corner of the Internet.

Kelly

I’m going to try this new thing. I’m going to call it the “Weekly Worth It” and every week (hopefully) I’m going to post a list for you. Of stuff I think will make you laugh, cry, cringe, think or inspire you. If you come across something you think I should post please drop me a note at skeletons@halldorson.com —-

Here goes…

• Californians may jail parents of truant kids, read about it here.
• Philly requires bloggers to pay up…for a LICENSE.
• Cool video about unschooling featuring Peter Gray.
• McCain is really going to try again.
• The war is over! NO…those…um… aren’t combat troops.
• The Scary School Nightmare
• The whole Pinky Show website, how the hell did I ever miss that?
• the time of the Minority Report is quickly approaching
• Someone on the Internet is WRONG

Well, that’s the first installment. Please let me know what you think of this little idea…and if you have any suggestions don’t forget to message/email me.

Peace,

Kelly

Dinner for Schmucks, promo photo

I did put a mask on for about five minute but found it too itchy and thought it was hard to breathe. Griffin helped me (no sweeping just carrying boxes upstairs and outside) but thankfully only for a very short time.

Last night I was coughing and coughing and coughing. I did not feel myself at all. I started getting a little nervous and looked up exposure to mouse droppings. And guess what came up. It’s dangerous and there is nothing you can do but wait and see. I haven’t had any kind of flu-like symptoms but I’m sore as hell and my chest has been heavy since yesterday. I feel like a freakin’ idiot.

I am a cautious person. It’s not like I’m some kind of throw caution to the wind person. I may appear that way but I usually have thought and thought and analyzed the risks and benefits of whatever it is I’m doing. That goes doubly so when it comes to health and physical risk. I’m cautious. I’m also not one to freak out at the slightest boo boo. Generally, I downplay symptoms and physical problems…when it comes to myself even more so but this time I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was at least a little worried.

If you EVER have to clean a garage, basement, whatever, with mouse poop, please take precautions and bleach it and wear a mask. Don’t assume you’ll be fine. You might be but why risk it? At a minimum you’ll save yourself the stress of wondering whether you will be.

And…in a very amusing and surreal twist…Jeff and I decided to take the kids to a movie for a break from the work. We picked Dinner for Schmucks. We chose the movie because it was a comedy (we needed some laughs) and it stars Paul Rudd and Steve Carell. That is ALL we knew about the movie, never saw a preview.

You could imagine my surprise when we made when the opening scene featured a man creating art pieces with taxidermies of mice.

The movie is about a man, who wants to impress his girlfriend and get a promotion at work. He gets an invite to an exclusive dinner with the bosses. The participants are supposed to invite an idiot. I’ve been feeling like an idiot myself since last night. The the idiot he chooses makes art with dead mice. The movie was hilarious but it was one of those odd coincidences that made me feel like I was in the middle of some surreal dream.

Why did we pick that movie? We rarely go to see a comedy in the theater. We usually reserve the theater for special effects and/or action drama, comedies are watched at home on the couch.

I guess I’m the idiot with the dead mice but at least I got to laugh with my family tonight and even though I’m concerned, I’ll likely be just fine.

Peace,

Kelly

Times Square

Not every victim of child sexual assault can hold up a sign in Times Square. Not every victim of sexual assault is comfortable talking about it or getting help. That is one of the many reasons Jeff and I have decided to give our book, Skeletons Don’t Sleep, away free (in digital format) to any and all survivors of child sexual assault. Are you a victim? Would you like a copy? Email Us: skeletons@halldorson.com

We have already given away over 100 copies. We want that number in the 1000’s. We want this book in the hands of every single survivor that needs it.

Want to know a little bit more about the project?

I wrote Skeletons with my husband Jeff. It’s the true account of his childhood sexual assault, our relationship, his father’s arrest through incarceration and the aftermath. The videos tell the story and the quotes are from people who’ve emailed us. It all helps remind us that giving away the book for free is the right thing to do, despite our personal financial struggles.

I am a member of a facebook group called “Stop Child Abuse”. Yesterday as I was looking at the the fan wall and I saw you video “Man With A Sign”. First off: Jeff, you are a very brave man. I, myself, being a child that was sexually abused can understand completely. You are an inspiration to me.

Dear Jeff and Kelly
I received your book. And I could not stop reading it. I read it all and it took me till 3 am.

I am writing from facebook, i would greatly appreciate a free copy of your book. I was abused as a child by a family member. I priced your book to purchase and at this time I can not afford to buy it, I am out of work on medical, just had my 4th cervical spine surgery in feb and suffer chronic pain, so i am limited with income at this point. I am very interested in your book to help me and others.

I just finished the book. I’ve spent much of the past day and a half reading it… obsessively…

I’ve just spent the evening sat in front of my computer in London, reading this from start to finish. Both of you are amazingly inspiring! Thank you so much for sending me a copy of your story.

Kelly: You are a wonderful and powerful woman. You are truly an inspiration as well.

Thank you for this gift and your voice in our world of many who would like to ignore this devastation and turn a blind eye. You are courageous!

If you are a survivor and you want a free digital copy of our book please contact us at skeletons@halldorson.com or on facebook.

Not a survivor but you want to support our efforts? You can buy a copy of Skeletons Don’t Sleep or you can donate to help fund our buy a PRINT book for our survivor program by emailing us at skeletons@halldorson.com.

If you are looking for a little positive, uplifting support/inspiration consider subscribing. We are going to give away a free (print) personalized signed copy to one of my blog subscribers at the end of the summer.

Jeff and I are also available for readings, speaking and discussions. For more information drop us an email at skeletons@halldorson.com.

Did you know you Regal Cinemas offers free movies during the summer? It’s called the Free Family Film Festival and it goes on all summer long! Here are the details:

REG’s Free Family Film Festival is Now Showing!
We have planned a fun-filled summer of select movies for kids and parents. Regal has proudly offered this free summer fun since 1991. Oh, did we mention that it’s FREE!

Selected G or PG movies start at 10:00am every Tuesday and Wednesday during the festival. Tickets and seating are first-come, first-served and are limited to theatre capacity.

The Free Family Film Festival is safe, lots of fun and a great way for kids to spend a weekday morning in the summer. Tickets for our 2010 Free Family Film Festival are exclusively available at select theatres’ box office on the day of the show.

What to see what is showing in your area? Take a look at the theater finder @ Regal Cinemas

We never end up making it…it seems but this year they have some really great movies. I’m sure we’ll get over to the cinema for at least one before the season ends.

If you are in New Hampshire here are the movies/dates…maybe we’ll see you at one.

Hooksett 8
100 TECHNOLOGY DR
Hooksett ,NH 03106
603-626-7177

07/06/2010-07/07/2010 Wallace and Gromit (G)
Hotel For Dogs (PG)
07/13/2010-07/14/2010 Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (PG)
Imagine That (PG)
07/20/2010-07/21/2010 Polar Express (G)
Monsters Vs. Aliens (PG)
07/27/2010-07/28/2010 Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs (PG)
Daddy Day Care (PG)
08/03/2010-08/04/2010 Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything (G)
Surf’s Up (PG)
08/10/2010-08/11/2010 March Of The Penguins (G)
Bee Movie (PG)
08/17/2010-08/18/2010 Mr. Bean’s Holiday (G)
Open Season (PG)

FOX RUN STADIUM 15
45 Gosling Road
Newington ,NH 03801-2802
603-431-6116

07/06/2010-07/07/2010 Wallace and Gromit (G)
Hotel For Dogs (PG)
07/13/2010-07/14/2010 Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (PG)
Imagine That (PG)
07/20/2010-07/21/2010 Polar Express (G)
Monsters Vs. Aliens (PG)
07/27/2010-07/28/2010 Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs (PG)
Daddy Day Care (PG)
08/03/2010-08/04/2010 Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything (G)
Surf’s Up (PG)
08/10/2010-08/11/2010 March Of The Penguins (G)
Bee Movie (PG)
08/17/2010-08/18/2010 Mr. Bean’s Holiday (G)
Open Season (PG)
08/24/2010-08/25/2010 Tale of Despereaux (G)
Fantastic Mr. Fox (PG)

Peace,
Kelly

That’s how it all started. That video. That song. Sort of anyway.

Wolfgang mentioned that he liked some Eminem songs. I half cringed and half nodded my head. Zoe piped up and said, “I remember when you used to get really mad because the neighbors listened to Eminem.”

She was talking about when we lived in another town, years ago. I’m talking seven years ago. She was five. Our neighbors (it was an apartment/triplex) had two boys each a year older than our boys. They would sit out on their back porch and BLAST it while rapping along to the worst of the worst lyrics. Something about a young boys rapping about…well all the stuff Eminem writes about. It just turned me right off.

It’s funny to me she remembered. I must have complained about it way more than I thought. Way more.

After I got over the initial semi-repulsion when Wolfgang told me he liked a couple of songs. I took a deep breath and I approached it with a little more open mind. I said, “He’s got some really unpleasant songs. I mean really bad. But he is very catchy…the rhythm is always good and the words…He’s good at what he does.” This evolved into a whole discussion about what some of those negative lyrics are that bother me so much. Wolfgang told me the stuff he’s heard and likes isn’t anything like that. He also told me his cousin is really into him too.

My intrigue peeked. I asked him what the songs were that he liked. He told me Beautiful & When I’m Gone. He also said he thought that not only would I like Beautiful but I would cry if I heard When I’m Gone. Today he played the video for me. He was right, I cried and they both were pretty beautiful. I love Paul Rogers voice so he sounds amazing in the intro to Beautiful and then there is When I’m Gone the song Wolfgang calls his favorite rap song ever.

It’s worth watching and me…maybe I’m reading too much into it but it really fills me with warm and fuzziness. It’s a song about a father recognizing he’s failing his child. It’s about his struggle to step up and be the husband and father he really wants to be but doesn’t quite know how yet. It really parallels much of our life and I think in a way it really shows that Wolf has compassion for himself and Jeff and their relationship is healing. That is a beautiful thing.

I opened myself up to something I looked at as mostly negative and I saw something else entirely. Now, that’s not to say I don’t think a lot of his other work is negative. It just means to me…it’s not all bad and there is some beauty in it if you’re open to seeing it. Wolf and I have talked about those other songs. His cousin (really cool kids <3) had some lyrics to one of Eminem songs on her page...he listened to that one and didn't like it as much.

Then he looked up a bunch of others Eminem songs and wasn’t completely thrilled with some of the other lyrics either but he found the new CD Eminem has coming out this month is full of positive recovery songs…hence the name…Recovery

Interestingly enough last year he released an album called Relapse in May that has a song about the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of his step-father.

The chorus is the following…

If you could count the skeletons in my closet
under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I’ve completely lost it
is he nuts? no, he’s insane

That album was released two months after we posted Skeletons Don’t Sleep on Authonomy. He was writing about his skeletons…while we were writing ours. It blew me away when I listened to it. And in case you’re considering listening yourself…it is EXTREMELY graphic…so much that I’m not even going to post it here.

It’s neat to me to see all these connections - connections I may not have been open to seeing a ten years ago. I love being open to seeing more of the perspectives. Eminem? He’s not all bad. He’s not all good either. I’ll join with Wolfgang though and celebrate the good.

Peace,
Kelly